I'm not sure where this last month has gone. I did run away for a few weeks so that would account for some of the time. Just couldn't take it anymore. And since I've been back, haven't really spoken to anyone. Still kinda just wrapped up in my cocoon. I hate how automatic it is for me to just wrap myself into a ball and turn inward when things aren't going well.
In many ways I just assumed and well really hoped that after accepting Jesus into my life that He would just take away the depression for good. Sure some of the weight has been lifted but I still struggle greatly with it. Its like a part of me and I'm afraid it always will be.
I just wish life could/would get easier. But its like I'm still stuck in this time warp.
You know the movie Pleasantville? It kinda like that. I'm just waiting for the color in my own life.
Sigh
What I do know for certain is not dealing with things the last couple of weeks hasn't made things any better or has done any good what-so-ever. Just cuz one wishes things away doesn't mean they disappear. I wish that's the way things worked...but it isn't. Just cuz I so wanted my home life to change doesn't mean it did because well honestly because I prayed or asked God to change things. Like I see now how the relationship piece was missing then and all that but it sure would have been nice to have been clued in then at that time instead of looking like a fool and praying and praying and going to confession and all that and it was for no good cuz there was this missing link.
Always I feel was made out to be the idiot, no matter where I went or who I was with. I was the naieve stupid kid that everyone could mess around with. And honestly that's who my parents made me out to be in order so that I could/would be easier for them to manipulate. Nice.
I feel like a piece of playdough and not the store bought kind. Remember; no color. Just plain. Homemade nude color. A lump of clay for anyone to do whatever they want with.
Yeah sure, I admit whats going through this mind now is how I'm a clay in the Potter's hands. The ultimate one who can shape me into something beautiful. And yeah sure God can do that but I'm just sick and tired of being this pliable substance that everyone else can determine what happens and what I become. Just once I would like to have control of my own destiney but that will never be. Besides I'm too fucked up - excuse my french - from my parents that no matter what I would have wanted to be when I was all growd up it wouldn't matter cuz I don't believe in myself. Thats what happens when parents or family or no one ever and I mean EVER believe in you. When others want you dead and wish bad things upon you, it just grows upon you and that's what you are.
Sorry. A little heavy and much depressing. It's just where I'm at. Accept me I beg just right where I'm at. And if not, well I understand.
