lump of clay

 

I'm not sure where this last month has gone. I did run away for a few weeks so that would account for some of the time. Just couldn't take it anymore. And since I've been back, haven't really spoken to anyone. Still kinda just wrapped up in my cocoon. I hate how automatic it is for me to just wrap myself into a ball and turn inward when things aren't going well.

In many ways I just assumed and well really hoped that after accepting Jesus into my life that He would just take away the depression for good. Sure some of the weight has been lifted but I still struggle greatly with it. Its like a part of me and I'm afraid it always will be.

I just wish life could/would get easier. But its like I'm still stuck in this time warp.

You know the movie Pleasantville? It kinda like that. I'm just waiting for the color in my own life.

Sigh

What I do know for certain is not dealing with things the last couple of weeks hasn't made things any better or has done any good what-so-ever. Just cuz one wishes things away doesn't mean they disappear. I wish that's the way things worked...but it isn't. Just cuz I so wanted my home life to change doesn't mean it did because well honestly because I prayed or asked God to change things. Like I see now how the relationship piece was missing then and all that but it sure would have been nice to have been clued in then at that time instead of looking like a fool and praying and praying and going to confession and all that and it was for no good cuz there was this missing link.

Always I feel was made out to be the idiot, no matter where I went or who I was with. I was the naieve stupid kid that everyone could mess around with. And honestly that's who my parents made me out to be in order so that I could/would be easier for them to manipulate. Nice.

I feel like a piece of playdough and not the store bought kind. Remember; no color. Just plain. Homemade nude color. A lump of clay for anyone to do whatever they want with.

Yeah sure, I admit whats going through this mind now is how I'm a clay in the Potter's hands. The ultimate one who can shape me into something beautiful. And yeah sure God can do that but I'm just sick and tired of being this pliable substance that everyone else can determine what happens and what I become. Just once I would like to have control of my own destiney but that will never be. Besides I'm too fucked up - excuse my french - from my parents that no matter what I would have wanted to be when I was all growd up it wouldn't matter cuz I don't believe in myself. Thats what happens when parents or family or no one ever and I mean EVER believe in you. When others want you dead and wish bad things upon you, it just grows upon you and that's what you are.

Sorry. A little heavy and much depressing. It's just where I'm at. Accept me I beg just right where I'm at. And if not, well I understand.

my chaotic life

I know I haven't written in forever. I've tried...wanted to...but nothing came.

Now I don't know if there is any truth to the following statement but I'm clinging to the remote possibility that yeah this is true:



To say my life is and has been chaotic the last couple of days...or has it been weeks now???...would be an understatement.

Life sucks! Period.

Looks like I'm being punished once again as the body is turning against me - not that I can blame it with all of the abuse I did to it to counter what the perps were doing. Trust me after all of the emotional and verbal abuse you too would turn on the body and hate it just as much as they did. And well know the body in turn is hating me back. Well whatever, not much that can be done now...damage has been done over the years and this is mere consequences.

So on top of health issues...lost another friend. Don't even want to talk about it.

Plus more promises made and shattered. Knew it was too good to be true to have someone to lean on and trust. You can't trust anybody. Bottom line and I've learned this lesson before. People will always let you down. They only pretend they care.

And trust me, I for one know all about putting on the show, fake smile and pretending. So you'd think I could spot another faker but was blinded by my stupidity.

God and I aren't on speaking terms.

And on top of it all remembering junk from my past; stuff that I believe should continue to be buried for life but its starting to come back to the surface...totally sucks!

And I'm questioning why didn't I just do it the other week? Sitting there by the lake...I had the opportunity and yet I chickened out. Like yeah I know I'm more than likely sounding like a hypocrite right now as I stated that God had bigger plans in store...sigh...guess you could say I'm a half-glass empty kinda gal.

Told ya, once you start believing in hope and that just maybe things could be looking up and getting better life finds a way to knock ya on your ass and pull the rug out from under neath ya.

Totally sucks!

It's been a crappy several days to say the least.

Guess there is still a sliver of hope as I came across the above quote and just thinking what if...perhaps you could believe it for me? as I'm too exhausted and spent...drained of life...

SoL

Yeah, can totally relate to the Scars of Life story as I myself have scars from Him never giving up on me. It's hard to believe someone could love one so much...for someone to want to fight for me and on my behalf...like wow!

I'm feeling speechless these days. Kinda stumbling with what to write for my posts and before like it just flowed. Now I guess you could say I'm just trying to figure this all out. Kinda night and day life now...

I think, honestly, a part of it is I feel if I start allowing myself to think and ponder on things...well that God will start bringing up some junk to work through and really just thinking He is wanting to start the healing journey and I'm just not there yet. Not quite ready to dive in which I know isn't right. Like I said in an earlier post either I'm all in or I'm not. And yeah I've shared some personal stuff here in regards to the pain of my life and everything but it wasn't the deep down junk and I get the feeling from what I've seen of others around me that God will want to dig in and start pulling out the weeds around here if ya know what I mean.

Scars of Life

SCARS OF LIFE

Some years ago, on a hot summer day in South Florida, a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went. He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.

His father, working in the yard, saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could.

Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him.

From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the father was much too passionate to let go.

A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved.

The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But lo o k at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go."

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you.

The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way. Unfortunately, sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of His love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go.

Author Unknown

My Life These Days...

It's been quite a week that's for sure. Roller-coaster of emotions and feelings. Mostly just didn't want to exist anymore and just once again finding myself hiding away and pulled so inward.

Really just hit rock bottom as you could prob tell by my last post of putting that song out there. That's where I was at; just ready to say goodbye and end it all. And why I once again failed to follow through on the plan I'll never know - just know that God wasn't done with me yet.

Much of this week I felt like the above picture - like I was in the midst of this tug of war. I was hearing from both sides - the enemy telling me to just do it and get it over with and succumb to the pain already and then there were the loved ones speaking on my behalf and telling me I'm worth it and to keep fighting the good fight.

A lot of what I heard were words and then a Pastor stepped in and by his actions of giving me the time of day by taking time out his busy schedule to re-look at my blog just kinda pushed me over and I just knew that if he could do that for me idk its weird...just felt like wow, yes things have changed and yes I'm worth the time and I'm important enough to hear out.

Like dad never did that for me. When mom did something for me it came with a huge argument and it was made known my place and the huge sacrifice she was making even if it was something simple like bringing me to the library or something like that.

I just learned not to ask for anything because time is precious and I'm not worth my parents attention. Unless they wanted something. Then that was totally different. But for someone to willingly and freely giving there time is like wow! No words. So if you read this, thank you Pastor. It really is the little things in life that make all the difference.

So today I knew I couldn't fight anymore and decided its time to finally do the right thing. It's hard you know. Just sucks being the kid and continuing to have to make adult decisions and do the responsible thing. I will never understand the why behind it all but I knew it was time to take my life into my own hands and stop letting others decide my fate.

And I accepted Jesus into my life.

Like I've heard a few times this week and over the last couple of weeks on how there are only two choices. Follow God or follow Satan. And it finally just got to be enough. It's like I know the choice my parents made and their decision drastically impacted my life and I just was done with Satan and had enough with him. And so I chose God.

It was pointed out to me how I'm worth the fight. Many of the loved ones said they'd do this week all over again cuz I'm so valuable. My life has value. Radical thought. But like after everything I've put them through this week to hear them say they'd do it all again cuz they love my that much is just like wow. Crazy, amazing.

And somehow God's love is greater than that.

Goodbye (I'm Sorry) - Jamestown Story

my wish

Just really struggling the last couple of days. Feeling blah...like the depression is gonna swallow me whole.

Life sucks.

My wish is for all this to go away...but it won't...can't undo what's been done to me...nor what I've done...choices I've made...

It isn't fair...first the abuse now the depression because life was sucked right out of me by my own fam...just ain't right!

Suffering consequences from their choices totally sucks!

And the fact that I know I'm doing it others by just being a heavy, downer kinda person just ain't fair to those around me.

Just wish for all this to go away.