It's been quite a week that's for sure. Roller-coaster of emotions and feelings. Mostly just didn't want to exist anymore and just once again finding myself hiding away and pulled so inward.
Really just hit rock bottom as you could prob tell by my last post of putting that song out there. That's where I was at; just ready to say goodbye and end it all. And why I once again failed to follow through on the plan I'll never know - just know that God wasn't done with me yet.
Much of this week I felt like the above picture - like I was in the midst of this tug of war. I was hearing from both sides - the enemy telling me to just do it and get it over with and succumb to the pain already and then there were the loved ones speaking on my behalf and telling me I'm worth it and to keep fighting the good fight.
A lot of what I heard were words and then a Pastor stepped in and by his actions of giving me the time of day by taking time out his busy schedule to re-look at my blog just kinda pushed me over and I just knew that if he could do that for me idk its weird...just felt like wow, yes things have changed and yes I'm worth the time and I'm important enough to hear out.
Like dad never did that for me. When mom did something for me it came with a huge argument and it was made known my place and the huge sacrifice she was making even if it was something simple like bringing me to the library or something like that.
I just learned not to ask for anything because time is precious and I'm not worth my parents attention. Unless they wanted something. Then that was totally different. But for someone to willingly and freely giving there time is like wow! No words. So if you read this, thank you Pastor. It really is the little things in life that make all the difference.
So today I knew I couldn't fight anymore and decided its time to finally do the right thing. It's hard you know. Just sucks being the kid and continuing to have to make adult decisions and do the responsible thing. I will never understand the why behind it all but I knew it was time to take my life into my own hands and stop letting others decide my fate.
And I accepted Jesus into my life.
Like I've heard a few times this week and over the last couple of weeks on how there are only two choices. Follow God or follow Satan. And it finally just got to be enough. It's like I know the choice my parents made and their decision drastically impacted my life and I just was done with Satan and had enough with him. And so I chose God.
It was pointed out to me how I'm worth the fight. Many of the loved ones said they'd do this week all over again cuz I'm so valuable. My life has value. Radical thought. But like after everything I've put them through this week to hear them say they'd do it all again cuz they love my that much is just like wow. Crazy, amazing.
And somehow God's love is greater than that.
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