Radical Thoughts cont

 

ok, thought I'd try and follow up, bring further clarity and wrap up what I'd written this morning.

I can only imagine the first question is about the picture and why the heck did I choose that one? Well the word and theme for the sermon was follow and the question was am I following?

As I was writing about the third thought like my mind shut off and went completely blank. It had had enough as the sermon and my blog entry started bringing up things it'd rather forget. Overwhelmed to say the least!

I for one am by far not comfortable in my own skin. In fact if I could remove it, I would. Too many bad memories with it to be completely honest. But I like the whole idea about how when someone is comfortable in their own skin that they make those around them comfortable.

What blew me away with the sermon was how the preacher was discussing how Jesus wanted to hang out with the tax collectors. Like the least of these...bottom of the barrel...scums...castaways...

Like that's all news to me. Incredible thought/idea...that someone like me could be included in that group...wow!


Just this week I've learned how God is all about relationships. Radical new concept for me. Anyways so the whole idea of rules don't make a relationship is interesting indeed. Just continues to clarify of what I've been learning about God and honestly about my past and how vastly different the God I was taught then to the God I'm understanding today.

Like had you asked me back then, I prob would have told you that yeah I know all about God and was very religious. But it was all about rules. So my new knowledge about God and relationships teamed with rules don't make a relationship kinda cements in for me the idea that I've been pondering since earlier in the week and how just perhaps I was taught wrong things about God growing up and that in itself is freeing because that means I can let go of what was told to me back in the day and that is liberating knowing it wasn't that God didn't want to intervene and answer prayers but the whole relationship piece was missing. Well that along with well if you aren't worshiping God than well the opposite has to be true and that means we were a family focused on Satan instead. And it isn't that God wasn't listening to the cries of the broken heart of child but that in many ways his hands were tied...but he still chose to work and align future events out for our good and eventual healing to come...like mines still on the way I believe...

Is this making any sense??? Well in my mind its bringing clarity so...

Where does this leave me? Sigh, idk. I know that must sound crazy. Like common girl you know what you believe. I mean yes I believe there is a hell (lived in it most of my life) and that there is a heaven. I've seen evil so yes I believe there is a devil and the opposite must than be true that there is a God.

But do I believe him and want him in my life? idk, just being honest with ya.

I guess one of my fears and something that's holding me back is that I don't want to be a hypocrite and half in. Either I'm all in or I'm not. And right now, at this time I can't say I'm ready to be full on board with this.

Like I want to be changed and completely different...opposite of what I had growing up and in that old church and seeing and interacting and being one of those who aren't comfortable in their own skin and lash out at others cuz it makes them feel good. But I'm a little comfortable where I'm at...sure I hate the depression and want it gone...I'd love to live happy and free but at this time I kinda like life being all about me...perhaps its the teenager in me speaking...idk

But it's where I'm at today.

Radical Thoughts

Found myself listening to a sermon this morning...trust me I didn't set out to nor purposely play it...another had it on and I found myself plugged into what was being discussed.

Got me thinking that's for sure.

3 Interesting Thoughts That I Took Away:
1) comfortable in your own skin
2) its the sick who need a doctor
3) rules don't make a relationship

The first is in regards to Jesus being so comfortable in his own skin that he made those around him comfortable. Interesting thought to say the least. Like if there is any truth to this statement than everyone around me growing up were not comfortable in their own skin.

The second was about how Jesus hung out with the sick...even tax collectors. How he was comfortable and liked to hang out with those who were sick and not necessarily health wise. That in itself gives me hope that just maybe if Jesus were here today that he'd want to hang out with me.

Third is wrecking me. And I'm not sure if its in a good way. Rules don't make a relationship. Like all I was surrounded by were spoken and unspoken rules growing up. So what does that say of my own parents, siblings, fam, friends? Was there never really any relationships? Then what is it we had??? A partnership? Business deal? Like what? Tolerance?

Uf-da!

That last one kinda hit hard. Did we just, did they just tolerate me and put up with me...really cuz they had to? Just as long as they had to before they could ship me off to the next poor undeserving soul?

All that's playing through this mind right now is my parents. How they longed, desired, craved, wanted nothing more than to get me graduated from high school. Couldn't wait for that day. But its like funny thing is they wanted that day so bad but it stopped there. I never got the impression I would ever leave home. Wasn't a choice. Nor did they prepare me for life outside of high school.

So why the push???

It wasn't they wanted me out of their sight. Something else...what???

Honestly I'm stopped cold in my tracks...just thinking...pondering what it could be...

Anyways, so yeah this is where I'm at today. Sorry all, having a hard time refocusing...

Not much of a wrap up or conclusion...may have to come back to this when I can think a little more clearly once again...

Hope

 Tough day...lot of things messing with me...struggling with a lot of info...

So was reading with another today and got this spark of hope and started believing that yeah things could possibly change for me. A lot was talked about especially about our childhood and growing up in the home we did. There was so much for me to think about and I went for a walk. Wasn't long before I heard him...that accusing voice...negative...speaking against everything that was just talked about...

I came back to this gal and was like what the heck. She's like yep that's the enemy wanting to put out the spark of hope that was lit earlier today.

Just totally sucks!

Then tonight I'd thought I check out a full talk from Wayne Dyer and I didn't get very far as it too contradicted what was discussed earlier today.

UGH!

How is one supposed to make any sense of life...religion...God...when there is so much contradicting information. How is one ever to know what is really true?

What is truth???

Is it all relative???

Is there such a thing as absolute truth that we are all to believe as humans?

All I know is from my childhood and the religion that was shoved down my throat brought pain. And lots of it. Tonight as I listened to that talk I felt icky...can't really explain it...just not right and it sounded a lot like the crap I heard growing up. However earlier when we were talking about Jesus and a relationship with him and God and all that I had hope and believed for really the first time that things could change.

So I don't know.

Just so confused.

Is There Life Out There?

 
There is a question I keep asking in different ways but yet never gets answered. Kinda beyond frustrating as it seems its being treated more like a plague than anything.

Finally today someone was brave enough to take it on. Sure it felt more like what a mother does for a child and in which they believe in them...sometimes it kinda feels like they "have to" but then again that was contrary to what we had growing up...so I'm gonna believe this person. Besides she had the guts to not only answer but also say she was going to believe it for me as its too weighty for me.

The questions revolve around is there any chance...any hope...any remote possibility that I could be free of the depression? Like could I ever have a life outside of the one in which I grew up with?

As me and this other gal were talking the question she asked was your really asking if there is life out there for me? I'm like yeah exactly and immediately was reminded of the song by Reba McEntire.

A lot of the lyrics are so fitting for what I've been asking...these in particular are my own struggles...

But now she's just wonderin'
What she's living for
Now she's feeling that there's something more

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond her family and home
Should she do what she dares
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

She's dyin' to try something foolish
Do something crazy
Or just get away
Something for herself for a change

There's a place in the sun that she's never been
Where life is fair and time is a friend

Who Are You?

 

I came across this message today by Wayne Dyer and unfortunately its only a partial clip but it got me thinking...

He had a final exam in which he and the others in his collegiate class had to complete in 3 hours and 40 min time frame. There was only 1 question listed - Who Are You? There was a list of things they couldn't write about and if they did it would constitute as a failure - like age, family background, goals, hobbies, religion, politics, money made, etc

And there was this quote for guidance:
"Once you label me you negate me" by Soren Kierkegaard

The question is how would you answer this question without using labels others have put upon you?

Like, wow.

I admit I needed to look up negate to get clearer definition but it means nullify, make ineffective, negative in meaning, deny the existence of

But how would you answer it?

Because I am honestly stuck. All I know is labels and what others have defined me as. I'm lost in my identity.

And I'm kinda glad I didn't know or was able to hear Wayne's answer because it would probably have limited my outlook to my own answer of who am I.

Thinking further its like I've even allowed the depression to define who I am along with others in my life. So do I get a say? Let's see if I can take a stab at this...

Well I'm human - and that's saying a lot coming from me and admitting it. I've been so made to feel anything but worthwhile or of human status let alone able to contribute anything useful to society.

For now, I'm just stuck there...it's a tough question to answer without the labels. Talk about feeling limited and confined by what others say of me and who I am. So how does one break free from the labels?

depression quotes

just to forewarn ya...heavy feelings and thoughts listed below...

 

littlemrswheatley:
Just great. I cannot sleep because i have so much going on in my head right now. From how ugly, stupid and fat i am to what would happen if i tried to kill myself. I just want to cuddle with someone to get rid of the thoughts that torment me everyday. :c

 

 
DEPRESSION...a fancy word to say that your dying inside

blah

 

The depression weighing heavy upon me tonight.

Just wanna go to sleep and never awake.

It feels like an anchor pulling me down into the abyss.

Am I the only one who feels like this I wonder.

All I want is to be free but I can't be.

Like a curse this will never go away.

Wishing it would dissipate is useless.

I see others free and happy and I long for that.

But it will never be.

Not for me.

Nor in my lifetime.


Just make the pain go away...anybody...somebody...