ok, thought I'd try and follow up, bring further clarity and wrap up what I'd written this morning.
I can only imagine the first question is about the picture and why the heck did I choose that one? Well the word and theme for the sermon was follow and the question was am I following?
As I was writing about the third thought like my mind shut off and went completely blank. It had had enough as the sermon and my blog entry started bringing up things it'd rather forget. Overwhelmed to say the least!
I for one am by far not comfortable in my own skin. In fact if I could remove it, I would. Too many bad memories with it to be completely honest. But I like the whole idea about how when someone is comfortable in their own skin that they make those around them comfortable.
What blew me away with the sermon was how the preacher was discussing how Jesus wanted to hang out with the tax collectors. Like the least of these...bottom of the barrel...scums...castaways...
Like that's all news to me. Incredible thought/idea...that someone like me could be included in that group...wow!
Just this week I've learned how God is all about relationships. Radical new concept for me. Anyways so the whole idea of rules don't make a relationship is interesting indeed. Just continues to clarify of what I've been learning about God and honestly about my past and how vastly different the God I was taught then to the God I'm understanding today.
Like had you asked me back then, I prob would have told you that yeah I know all about God and was very religious. But it was all about rules. So my new knowledge about God and relationships teamed with rules don't make a relationship kinda cements in for me the idea that I've been pondering since earlier in the week and how just perhaps I was taught wrong things about God growing up and that in itself is freeing because that means I can let go of what was told to me back in the day and that is liberating knowing it wasn't that God didn't want to intervene and answer prayers but the whole relationship piece was missing. Well that along with well if you aren't worshiping God than well the opposite has to be true and that means we were a family focused on Satan instead. And it isn't that God wasn't listening to the cries of the broken heart of child but that in many ways his hands were tied...but he still chose to work and align future events out for our good and eventual healing to come...like mines still on the way I believe...
Is this making any sense??? Well in my mind its bringing clarity so...
Where does this leave me? Sigh, idk. I know that must sound crazy. Like common girl you know what you believe. I mean yes I believe there is a hell (lived in it most of my life) and that there is a heaven. I've seen evil so yes I believe there is a devil and the opposite must than be true that there is a God.
But do I believe him and want him in my life? idk, just being honest with ya.
I guess one of my fears and something that's holding me back is that I don't want to be a hypocrite and half in. Either I'm all in or I'm not. And right now, at this time I can't say I'm ready to be full on board with this.
Like I want to be changed and completely different...opposite of what I had growing up and in that old church and seeing and interacting and being one of those who aren't comfortable in their own skin and lash out at others cuz it makes them feel good. But I'm a little comfortable where I'm at...sure I hate the depression and want it gone...I'd love to live happy and free but at this time I kinda like life being all about me...perhaps its the teenager in me speaking...idk
But it's where I'm at today.
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