SoL

Yeah, can totally relate to the Scars of Life story as I myself have scars from Him never giving up on me. It's hard to believe someone could love one so much...for someone to want to fight for me and on my behalf...like wow!

I'm feeling speechless these days. Kinda stumbling with what to write for my posts and before like it just flowed. Now I guess you could say I'm just trying to figure this all out. Kinda night and day life now...

I think, honestly, a part of it is I feel if I start allowing myself to think and ponder on things...well that God will start bringing up some junk to work through and really just thinking He is wanting to start the healing journey and I'm just not there yet. Not quite ready to dive in which I know isn't right. Like I said in an earlier post either I'm all in or I'm not. And yeah I've shared some personal stuff here in regards to the pain of my life and everything but it wasn't the deep down junk and I get the feeling from what I've seen of others around me that God will want to dig in and start pulling out the weeds around here if ya know what I mean.

Scars of Life

SCARS OF LIFE

Some years ago, on a hot summer day in South Florida, a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went. He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.

His father, working in the yard, saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could.

Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him.

From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the father was much too passionate to let go.

A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved.

The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But lo o k at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go."

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you.

The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way. Unfortunately, sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of His love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go.

Author Unknown

My Life These Days...

It's been quite a week that's for sure. Roller-coaster of emotions and feelings. Mostly just didn't want to exist anymore and just once again finding myself hiding away and pulled so inward.

Really just hit rock bottom as you could prob tell by my last post of putting that song out there. That's where I was at; just ready to say goodbye and end it all. And why I once again failed to follow through on the plan I'll never know - just know that God wasn't done with me yet.

Much of this week I felt like the above picture - like I was in the midst of this tug of war. I was hearing from both sides - the enemy telling me to just do it and get it over with and succumb to the pain already and then there were the loved ones speaking on my behalf and telling me I'm worth it and to keep fighting the good fight.

A lot of what I heard were words and then a Pastor stepped in and by his actions of giving me the time of day by taking time out his busy schedule to re-look at my blog just kinda pushed me over and I just knew that if he could do that for me idk its weird...just felt like wow, yes things have changed and yes I'm worth the time and I'm important enough to hear out.

Like dad never did that for me. When mom did something for me it came with a huge argument and it was made known my place and the huge sacrifice she was making even if it was something simple like bringing me to the library or something like that.

I just learned not to ask for anything because time is precious and I'm not worth my parents attention. Unless they wanted something. Then that was totally different. But for someone to willingly and freely giving there time is like wow! No words. So if you read this, thank you Pastor. It really is the little things in life that make all the difference.

So today I knew I couldn't fight anymore and decided its time to finally do the right thing. It's hard you know. Just sucks being the kid and continuing to have to make adult decisions and do the responsible thing. I will never understand the why behind it all but I knew it was time to take my life into my own hands and stop letting others decide my fate.

And I accepted Jesus into my life.

Like I've heard a few times this week and over the last couple of weeks on how there are only two choices. Follow God or follow Satan. And it finally just got to be enough. It's like I know the choice my parents made and their decision drastically impacted my life and I just was done with Satan and had enough with him. And so I chose God.

It was pointed out to me how I'm worth the fight. Many of the loved ones said they'd do this week all over again cuz I'm so valuable. My life has value. Radical thought. But like after everything I've put them through this week to hear them say they'd do it all again cuz they love my that much is just like wow. Crazy, amazing.

And somehow God's love is greater than that.

Goodbye (I'm Sorry) - Jamestown Story

my wish

Just really struggling the last couple of days. Feeling blah...like the depression is gonna swallow me whole.

Life sucks.

My wish is for all this to go away...but it won't...can't undo what's been done to me...nor what I've done...choices I've made...

It isn't fair...first the abuse now the depression because life was sucked right out of me by my own fam...just ain't right!

Suffering consequences from their choices totally sucks!

And the fact that I know I'm doing it others by just being a heavy, downer kinda person just ain't fair to those around me.

Just wish for all this to go away.

Radical Thoughts cont

 

ok, thought I'd try and follow up, bring further clarity and wrap up what I'd written this morning.

I can only imagine the first question is about the picture and why the heck did I choose that one? Well the word and theme for the sermon was follow and the question was am I following?

As I was writing about the third thought like my mind shut off and went completely blank. It had had enough as the sermon and my blog entry started bringing up things it'd rather forget. Overwhelmed to say the least!

I for one am by far not comfortable in my own skin. In fact if I could remove it, I would. Too many bad memories with it to be completely honest. But I like the whole idea about how when someone is comfortable in their own skin that they make those around them comfortable.

What blew me away with the sermon was how the preacher was discussing how Jesus wanted to hang out with the tax collectors. Like the least of these...bottom of the barrel...scums...castaways...

Like that's all news to me. Incredible thought/idea...that someone like me could be included in that group...wow!


Just this week I've learned how God is all about relationships. Radical new concept for me. Anyways so the whole idea of rules don't make a relationship is interesting indeed. Just continues to clarify of what I've been learning about God and honestly about my past and how vastly different the God I was taught then to the God I'm understanding today.

Like had you asked me back then, I prob would have told you that yeah I know all about God and was very religious. But it was all about rules. So my new knowledge about God and relationships teamed with rules don't make a relationship kinda cements in for me the idea that I've been pondering since earlier in the week and how just perhaps I was taught wrong things about God growing up and that in itself is freeing because that means I can let go of what was told to me back in the day and that is liberating knowing it wasn't that God didn't want to intervene and answer prayers but the whole relationship piece was missing. Well that along with well if you aren't worshiping God than well the opposite has to be true and that means we were a family focused on Satan instead. And it isn't that God wasn't listening to the cries of the broken heart of child but that in many ways his hands were tied...but he still chose to work and align future events out for our good and eventual healing to come...like mines still on the way I believe...

Is this making any sense??? Well in my mind its bringing clarity so...

Where does this leave me? Sigh, idk. I know that must sound crazy. Like common girl you know what you believe. I mean yes I believe there is a hell (lived in it most of my life) and that there is a heaven. I've seen evil so yes I believe there is a devil and the opposite must than be true that there is a God.

But do I believe him and want him in my life? idk, just being honest with ya.

I guess one of my fears and something that's holding me back is that I don't want to be a hypocrite and half in. Either I'm all in or I'm not. And right now, at this time I can't say I'm ready to be full on board with this.

Like I want to be changed and completely different...opposite of what I had growing up and in that old church and seeing and interacting and being one of those who aren't comfortable in their own skin and lash out at others cuz it makes them feel good. But I'm a little comfortable where I'm at...sure I hate the depression and want it gone...I'd love to live happy and free but at this time I kinda like life being all about me...perhaps its the teenager in me speaking...idk

But it's where I'm at today.

Radical Thoughts

Found myself listening to a sermon this morning...trust me I didn't set out to nor purposely play it...another had it on and I found myself plugged into what was being discussed.

Got me thinking that's for sure.

3 Interesting Thoughts That I Took Away:
1) comfortable in your own skin
2) its the sick who need a doctor
3) rules don't make a relationship

The first is in regards to Jesus being so comfortable in his own skin that he made those around him comfortable. Interesting thought to say the least. Like if there is any truth to this statement than everyone around me growing up were not comfortable in their own skin.

The second was about how Jesus hung out with the sick...even tax collectors. How he was comfortable and liked to hang out with those who were sick and not necessarily health wise. That in itself gives me hope that just maybe if Jesus were here today that he'd want to hang out with me.

Third is wrecking me. And I'm not sure if its in a good way. Rules don't make a relationship. Like all I was surrounded by were spoken and unspoken rules growing up. So what does that say of my own parents, siblings, fam, friends? Was there never really any relationships? Then what is it we had??? A partnership? Business deal? Like what? Tolerance?

Uf-da!

That last one kinda hit hard. Did we just, did they just tolerate me and put up with me...really cuz they had to? Just as long as they had to before they could ship me off to the next poor undeserving soul?

All that's playing through this mind right now is my parents. How they longed, desired, craved, wanted nothing more than to get me graduated from high school. Couldn't wait for that day. But its like funny thing is they wanted that day so bad but it stopped there. I never got the impression I would ever leave home. Wasn't a choice. Nor did they prepare me for life outside of high school.

So why the push???

It wasn't they wanted me out of their sight. Something else...what???

Honestly I'm stopped cold in my tracks...just thinking...pondering what it could be...

Anyways, so yeah this is where I'm at today. Sorry all, having a hard time refocusing...

Not much of a wrap up or conclusion...may have to come back to this when I can think a little more clearly once again...

Hope

 Tough day...lot of things messing with me...struggling with a lot of info...

So was reading with another today and got this spark of hope and started believing that yeah things could possibly change for me. A lot was talked about especially about our childhood and growing up in the home we did. There was so much for me to think about and I went for a walk. Wasn't long before I heard him...that accusing voice...negative...speaking against everything that was just talked about...

I came back to this gal and was like what the heck. She's like yep that's the enemy wanting to put out the spark of hope that was lit earlier today.

Just totally sucks!

Then tonight I'd thought I check out a full talk from Wayne Dyer and I didn't get very far as it too contradicted what was discussed earlier today.

UGH!

How is one supposed to make any sense of life...religion...God...when there is so much contradicting information. How is one ever to know what is really true?

What is truth???

Is it all relative???

Is there such a thing as absolute truth that we are all to believe as humans?

All I know is from my childhood and the religion that was shoved down my throat brought pain. And lots of it. Tonight as I listened to that talk I felt icky...can't really explain it...just not right and it sounded a lot like the crap I heard growing up. However earlier when we were talking about Jesus and a relationship with him and God and all that I had hope and believed for really the first time that things could change.

So I don't know.

Just so confused.

Is There Life Out There?

 
There is a question I keep asking in different ways but yet never gets answered. Kinda beyond frustrating as it seems its being treated more like a plague than anything.

Finally today someone was brave enough to take it on. Sure it felt more like what a mother does for a child and in which they believe in them...sometimes it kinda feels like they "have to" but then again that was contrary to what we had growing up...so I'm gonna believe this person. Besides she had the guts to not only answer but also say she was going to believe it for me as its too weighty for me.

The questions revolve around is there any chance...any hope...any remote possibility that I could be free of the depression? Like could I ever have a life outside of the one in which I grew up with?

As me and this other gal were talking the question she asked was your really asking if there is life out there for me? I'm like yeah exactly and immediately was reminded of the song by Reba McEntire.

A lot of the lyrics are so fitting for what I've been asking...these in particular are my own struggles...

But now she's just wonderin'
What she's living for
Now she's feeling that there's something more

Is there life out there
So much she hasn't done
Is there life beyond her family and home
Should she do what she dares
She's just wonderin
Is there life out there

She's dyin' to try something foolish
Do something crazy
Or just get away
Something for herself for a change

There's a place in the sun that she's never been
Where life is fair and time is a friend

Who Are You?

 

I came across this message today by Wayne Dyer and unfortunately its only a partial clip but it got me thinking...

He had a final exam in which he and the others in his collegiate class had to complete in 3 hours and 40 min time frame. There was only 1 question listed - Who Are You? There was a list of things they couldn't write about and if they did it would constitute as a failure - like age, family background, goals, hobbies, religion, politics, money made, etc

And there was this quote for guidance:
"Once you label me you negate me" by Soren Kierkegaard

The question is how would you answer this question without using labels others have put upon you?

Like, wow.

I admit I needed to look up negate to get clearer definition but it means nullify, make ineffective, negative in meaning, deny the existence of

But how would you answer it?

Because I am honestly stuck. All I know is labels and what others have defined me as. I'm lost in my identity.

And I'm kinda glad I didn't know or was able to hear Wayne's answer because it would probably have limited my outlook to my own answer of who am I.

Thinking further its like I've even allowed the depression to define who I am along with others in my life. So do I get a say? Let's see if I can take a stab at this...

Well I'm human - and that's saying a lot coming from me and admitting it. I've been so made to feel anything but worthwhile or of human status let alone able to contribute anything useful to society.

For now, I'm just stuck there...it's a tough question to answer without the labels. Talk about feeling limited and confined by what others say of me and who I am. So how does one break free from the labels?

depression quotes

just to forewarn ya...heavy feelings and thoughts listed below...

 

littlemrswheatley:
Just great. I cannot sleep because i have so much going on in my head right now. From how ugly, stupid and fat i am to what would happen if i tried to kill myself. I just want to cuddle with someone to get rid of the thoughts that torment me everyday. :c

 

 
DEPRESSION...a fancy word to say that your dying inside

blah

 

The depression weighing heavy upon me tonight.

Just wanna go to sleep and never awake.

It feels like an anchor pulling me down into the abyss.

Am I the only one who feels like this I wonder.

All I want is to be free but I can't be.

Like a curse this will never go away.

Wishing it would dissipate is useless.

I see others free and happy and I long for that.

But it will never be.

Not for me.

Nor in my lifetime.


Just make the pain go away...anybody...somebody...

A Picture is Worth a 1,000 Words...

I came across this picture and it got me thinking. As this moment in time was captured on film what would one say looking back upon it say in 5, 10, even 20 years from now?

Thankfully they are kids and clothing styles nor hairdo's would be at the top of the list. A person would rightfully assume both of these children were loving life and living it up. Just being kids on a warm spring day.

It got me thinking about my own life and upbringing.

Does one moment in time really define another person's happiness all around?

I just feel so much of life is based on first appearances and that's totally unfair. Like for me I feel that's how my circumstances got looked over time and time again. We were the good Catholic family. The ones who contributed so much to the community...volunteering and giving of their time. Hard workers.

Any slight indifference always got looked over. It's hard to argue with dad's blue eyes and ability to put others at ease, to smooth them over with his charm and quick disposition. A people pleaser who knew everything about anything. And mom, well those long fingers caressed those satin keys and not to mention her countless volunteer hours for anything and everything made her at the top of everyone's list.

In my life I feel so many saw snapshots of my life like that taken above of those two little kids. Laughing, smiling. But I feel in nearly almost every case it was forced. We knew how to act in public and serve the countless number of visitors who came by the house.

It's all about saving face. A cover-up.

So when I snapped I was the absolute disgrace of the family. Perhaps we did shock those around us as we did portray of having it all put together...on the outside that is. And to see one in our family loose it and start cutting and attempt suicide was all too much. I think in many ways we were blamed for the loss of our good name in town. It was my fault. Of course it couldn't have been the parents. Yeah sure this happened overnight. Uh huh, right.

I know we lost whatever place we had in our mom's heart when we didn't get Confirmed. That was a huge mistake in her eyes. We lost whatever creditability we had left with her.

And I got fed up, sick and tired of religion. Continuing to see and live with two faced, fake people putting on acts gets old. And I was one of them and yes I got sick and tired of myself and the act I was playing.

So I rebelled. Lost my give a damn. Like the abusers couldn't touch me no more. I'd decided to cocoon inwards and build a fortress all around me. Sure the daggers still came my way but I decided not to care anymore about the harm being done. I'd lost my will to live. And honestly, deep down kinda hoped and prayed they would end my life. Sure woulda made things easier for me. But a hell of a mess for them to explain so I lived another day and another and another.

Totally sucks for me.

There is no reason I should have graduated eighth grade. I was in the principals office and called out of class more times than I could count. There was a point the priest was called in to try and set me straight but he cancelled...can only imagine he had better things to do than deal with a rebellious teen. Of the homework that was completed was taken from another aka I cheated. They couldn't wait to get me out of that school and so they passed me by.

Why am I saying all this??? It's not that I'm bragging or want to flaunt what I did. I'm not proud of it. Guess I'm thinking of these carefree kids and wondering what is their story behind the smiles. Are they too being passed by and overlooked in life?

Hmm, thinking I'm seeing life more glass half empty kinda thing. And that's what my life and circumstances made me out to be. If only one person believed in me or saw me or listened to the silent cries or really looked into these dead eyes staring blankly back at them that just maybe I could have had a fighting chance at life.

I feel doomed. Destined to failure. Yeah sure things are going good today with being a part of a group but I feel too far gone. I've seen so much more to life than I ever cared to see. And let me tell you it wasn't listed on the map as a top destination for everyone to check out but rather the dark alleys of NYC that people would rather sweep under the rug, pretend doesn't exist kinda thing.

But the truth is there are far too many hurting kids out there and one day they will grow up and then we've got a bunch of dysfunctional adults on our hands. I just think what if they believed in themselves cuz someone cared enough to give them the time of day? Sure Picaso turned out to be a great painter - not until after he died though. What if he knew how great he was before he died? How many more great masterpieces could have been created?

And hey if you truly are one of the lucky ones to really be laughing from the gut out of joy for life then count yourself blessed. Cuz not all of us are that privileged to have life so good. For those who live in America the dream isn't for all of us to be married and have kids even if we long for that. Some of us have been cast out of society for so long that the journey back will never be fulfilled. Some just aren't meant to fit into another's life as the skills were never developed and I am one of them. Sure flings of friendships will come and go but never will I have those bonds of high school sweethearts or college frat friends for life.

Don't take it for granted if you do have that. But choose to pass along the good gifts you've been given and show others who aren't so lucky that there is hope for them to have a better life.

I seriously doubt I'm one of them.

Sorry for the drab, downer outlook on life. Guess its the depression talking. But it really has become a part of me...after all these years its like its moved in and I don't see an eviction notice anywhere so...

A Place to Hang My Hat

Things have changed recently...for the better, I think. Ya know like before when one tragedy hit, you could bet another be coming shortly thereafter. But this time things seem to be different...I'm optimistic that they are...tides are changing.

Having a place I can now call home is refreshing. Surrounded by loved ones is a nice change.

All this on the tail end of loosing Robert. It's hard to believe. Still kinda waiting to awake from this dream. But honestly, now don't tell anyone, I don't want to. I've waited far to long for this moment.

Personality IQ Test

Ok, just took a quiz (Learn Myself Website) and thought I'd share my results as they kinda fit me to a tee...it all has me questioning is this the way I really am or a result of my circumstances? Have I really had the opportunity to grow into the person I should have become or just a byproduct of a dysfunctional crapped out family?

Cuz honestly, I don't want to be this person anymore.

Is there any hope for change or did I just get a shitty hand and now need to live with the cards I've been dealt???



You feel tense, jittery, and nervous and often feel like something dangerous is about to happen. You may be afraid of specific situations or be just generally fearful. You feel enraged when things do not go your way. You are sensitive about being treated fairly and feel resentful and bitter if you think you are being cheated. You tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. You are sensitive about what others think of you. Your concern about rejection and ridicule cause you to feel shy and uncomfortable around others. You are easily embarrassed and often feel ashamed. Your fears that others will criticize or make fun of you are exaggerated and unrealistic, but your awkwardness and discomfort may make these fears a self-fulfilling prophecy.

People generally perceive you as distant and reserved, and you do not usually reach out to others. You tend to feel overwhelmed by, and therefore actively avoid, large crowds. You often need privacy and time for yourself. You tend not to talk much and prefer to let others control the activities of groups. You lead a leisurely and relaxed life. You would prefer to sit back and smell the roses than indulge in high energy activities. You get overwhelmed by too much noise and commotion and do not like thrill-seeking activities. You are not prone to spells of energetic high spirits. 

You generally see others as selfish, devious, and sometimes potentially dangerous. You believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You do not particularly like helping other people. Requests for help feel like an imposition on your time. You do not enjoy confrontation, but you will stand up for yourself or push your point if you feel it is important. You do not like to claim that you are better than other people, and generally shy from talking yourself up. You are not affected strongly by human suffering, priding yourself on making objective judgments based on reason. You are more concerned with truth and impartial justice than with mercy.

Often you do not feel effective, and may have a sense that you are not in control of your life. In general you tend to be disorganized and scattered. You find contracts, rules, and regulations overly confining and are sometimes seen as unreliable or even irresponsible by others. You are content to get by with a minimal amount of work, and might be seen by others as lazy. You find yourself procrastinating and show poor follow-through on tasks. Often you fail to complete tasks - even tasks that you want very much to complete. 

Life Sucks by Sam Gale

Life sucks

If I said I care,
I'd be lying.
quite simply
I've given up on trying.

I could die tomorrow,
with a smile on my face.
Honestly I don't care
I am so outta place.

'Life is suited to you'
I don't believe it,
It's a waste of time,
It's complete bullshit.

More pain than smiles,
Less good than bad.
its disgusting,
quite pathetic and sad.

sam gale

loss of a friend

 

We may not have known each other long but he was my confidant.

The first guy I ever trusted.

A friend who I could call on and he was there in an instant.

To know he is now gone...

heart breaking.

Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore...

Robert is gone.

The grief is swallowing me whole...

Just wanna pull in even more...

Just when I thought, because of Robert, that I could break free of this shell...and he's gone.

Just like that.

life

I hear them say things are different now

and I so want to believe things have changed.

But taking that step...

Believing...

Trusting hope...

Sounds painful.

How do I know this time the risk will pay off???

Sure things appear to have changed

but have they really?

Like long term and not just temporary?

Just so want...

long...

for change.

Two paths before me.

Not sure which road I will chose.

Like last night scared me.

Seeing the ugly beast within.

It's still there waiting to show its ugly face.

And honestly, I really don't want another night like last night.

Saw too much of the old me...scared me...

The anger, rage...

barely controlled it.

What would happen if I let it loose once again?

The thought scares the shit out of me.

Been there, done that.

And I for one really don't want to go down that road again...

Quotes

  “I’m not gonna cry. I’m not gonna cry. Wouldn’t give ‘em the satisfaction. Same with suicide.”

—	Big Girls Don’t Cry… They Get Even