I came across this picture and it got me thinking. As this moment in time was captured on film what would one say looking back upon it say in 5, 10, even 20 years from now?
Thankfully they are kids and clothing styles nor hairdo's would be at the top of the list. A person would rightfully assume both of these children were loving life and living it up. Just being kids on a warm spring day.
It got me thinking about my own life and upbringing.
Does one moment in time really define another person's happiness all around?
I just feel so much of life is based on first appearances and that's totally unfair. Like for me I feel that's how my circumstances got looked over time and time again. We were the good Catholic family. The ones who contributed so much to the community...volunteering and giving of their time. Hard workers.
Any slight indifference always got looked over. It's hard to argue with dad's blue eyes and ability to put others at ease, to smooth them over with his charm and quick disposition. A people pleaser who knew everything about anything. And mom, well those long fingers caressed those satin keys and not to mention her countless volunteer hours for anything and everything made her at the top of everyone's list.
In my life I feel so many saw snapshots of my life like that taken above of those two little kids. Laughing, smiling. But I feel in nearly almost every case it was forced. We knew how to act in public and serve the countless number of visitors who came by the house.
It's all about saving face. A cover-up.
So when I snapped I was the absolute disgrace of the family. Perhaps we did shock those around us as we did portray of having it all put together...on the outside that is. And to see one in our family loose it and start cutting and attempt suicide was all too much. I think in many ways we were blamed for the loss of our good name in town. It was my fault. Of course it couldn't have been the parents. Yeah sure this happened overnight. Uh huh, right.
I know we lost whatever place we had in our mom's heart when we didn't get Confirmed. That was a huge mistake in her eyes. We lost whatever creditability we had left with her.
And I got fed up, sick and tired of religion. Continuing to see and live with two faced, fake people putting on acts gets old. And I was one of them and yes I got sick and tired of myself and the act I was playing.
So I rebelled. Lost my give a damn. Like the abusers couldn't touch me no more. I'd decided to cocoon inwards and build a fortress all around me. Sure the daggers still came my way but I decided not to care anymore about the harm being done. I'd lost my will to live. And honestly, deep down kinda hoped and prayed they would end my life. Sure woulda made things easier for me. But a hell of a mess for them to explain so I lived another day and another and another.
Totally sucks for me.
There is no reason I should have graduated eighth grade. I was in the principals office and called out of class more times than I could count. There was a point the priest was called in to try and set me straight but he cancelled...can only imagine he had better things to do than deal with a rebellious teen. Of the homework that was completed was taken from another aka I cheated. They couldn't wait to get me out of that school and so they passed me by.
Why am I saying all this??? It's not that I'm bragging or want to flaunt what I did. I'm not proud of it. Guess I'm thinking of these carefree kids and wondering what is their story behind the smiles. Are they too being passed by and overlooked in life?
Hmm, thinking I'm seeing life more glass half empty kinda thing. And that's what my life and circumstances made me out to be. If only one person believed in me or saw me or listened to the silent cries or really looked into these dead eyes staring blankly back at them that just maybe I could have had a fighting chance at life.
I feel doomed. Destined to failure. Yeah sure things are going good today with being a part of a group but I feel too far gone. I've seen so much more to life than I ever cared to see. And let me tell you it wasn't listed on the map as a top destination for everyone to check out but rather the dark alleys of NYC that people would rather sweep under the rug, pretend doesn't exist kinda thing.
But the truth is there are far too many hurting kids out there and one day they will grow up and then we've got a bunch of dysfunctional adults on our hands. I just think what if they believed in themselves cuz someone cared enough to give them the time of day? Sure Picaso turned out to be a great painter - not until after he died though. What if he knew how great he was before he died? How many more great masterpieces could have been created?
And hey if you truly are one of the lucky ones to really be laughing from the gut out of joy for life then count yourself blessed. Cuz not all of us are that privileged to have life so good. For those who live in America the dream isn't for all of us to be married and have kids even if we long for that. Some of us have been cast out of society for so long that the journey back will never be fulfilled. Some just aren't meant to fit into another's life as the skills were never developed and I am one of them. Sure flings of friendships will come and go but never will I have those bonds of high school sweethearts or college frat friends for life.
Don't take it for granted if you do have that. But choose to pass along the good gifts you've been given and show others who aren't so lucky that there is hope for them to have a better life.
I seriously doubt I'm one of them.
Sorry for the drab, downer outlook on life. Guess its the depression talking. But it really has become a part of me...after all these years its like its moved in and I don't see an eviction notice anywhere so...
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