Relationships

Tell me, why do relationships have to be so hard???

Struggling with a person in my life...today got an email and its like I poured my heart and feelings out in one I'd first sent them and they write back more or less that's nice. Like are you even listening??? Hello! Just a response I wasn't looking for as it felt like ok lady you're pretty screwed up and got a lot of shit going on and I will be here when you settle down and get your ducks in a row.

A lot of disappointment.

Sigh, something I know way too much about.

Can't rely on others I've found out time and time again so why am I trying or even thinking about entering back into relationships. And I'm not talking about anything big here. Friendships, family and such.

It's like I can't live with relationships and I can't seem to live without them either.

Kinda sucks.

Wish I could just be a hermit and live off the land. So much simpler. Give me a patch of woods, some horses and I'd be set.

As I write that and hear myself saying those words, my hearts breaking. Cuz I do want so much more.

Love.

Again, nothing intimate just an ounce or drop thrown my way every once in a great while would be so appreciated.

Like growing up our understanding was there are two sources of love. Parental, ok guess you could say three as there is also family and then there is intimate love.

Parental was out of the question. We knew that would never happen in our lives. Family...well the family despised us. We were at the bottom of the food chain with them. So that left the only source in which I felt I could receive love is through a boyfriend. And being I felt like used goods and am so ugly and not worthy of another's love this too wasn't an option.

 Like I feel hopeless in regards to love...

And today, I feel like I've pushed away the only people who care about me as I've opened up and shared way too much about me...its a flaw of mine as I figure why not just get it all out in the open straight up that way down the road there are no surprises when you continue to see the dirt in my life and end up rejecting me in the end.

Guess that's why I settle for my daydreams...there I'm always loved and protected and cared for and looked after. And its such a safer place than reality. Maybe I will be stuck here forever. In a land that exists but doesn't.