Poetry

I look at myself and see disgust

And I get that from you

Daddy's little girl

Yet it was one way

Nothing in return

I tried so hard to get your attention

But nothing worked

Unless you were in need

Otherwise I kept getting looked over

There was nothing special about me to catch your eye

What did I do to deserve this?

I served a perfect game

yet you missed it

Top mass server

yet it wasn't enough

Nothing I did granted your praise

School activities required for parents to attend were clouded with your negativity

I knew where you stood

And it wasn't for me

Have I done something to disappoint you?

What could I have done to earn your love...respect...praise???

They saw the fresh cuts

Stupid me took off my sweater in the heat

Forgetting the wounds

Yet they saw

Didn't miss a beat

They all stared

Questioning why

Kept hearing it was for the attention

The last thing I wanted was the limelight

Yet it was the first time someone paid attention to me

And I feel I fed off that

Being good and helping others got me looked over

Perhaps mom was onto something

Complaining about ailments at least get's anothers attention

Heaven knows we aren't getting it at home

Was this the answer to being accepted?

The depression weighed on me like an anchor

Everywhere I go, it's there

Like a dark storm cloud that follows me around

There is no getting away

Continually it reminds me of my situation

No way out unless I take my life

Never will I be free from all this

And yet even if I did miraculously break free

I'm told constantly that I will make it out there

There is nothing for me here

Nor there

Small town

People talk

Word gets around

We're the crazy one

Pysco

Hush, hush

Keep it under the table

Sneak her out

Like an undercover operation

Pass us along

Someone else's problem

At the time when I needed anyone in my life the most

All I heard was the in the face confrontations

Strong words

A lot of why's

What I took away is what is your problem?

Get over it

Paste the smile

And just get over it

Your screwing up not only your life but everybody else's as well

Besides nobody would care nor come to your funeral

Stop making life so miserable for the rest of us

That's what I heard when I was precariously on the ledge

Trying to choose between life and death

What no one knew is I didn't want to die

Nor did anyone care to ask is was this really what I wanted

 I felt I'd been screaming at the top of my lungs asking for help

But no one heard me

Leaving home was the last straw

Thinking I was finally out of that hell hole

Only to violently be brought back after only a few weeks

Again without choice

And that was my life

Decisions made for me

Never could I choose

I never have been able to spread my wings and fly

They were clipped at a young age

I learned my place and knew I couldn't stray off that path

Beyond broken at my limited life

If it'd been my choice I would have loved to continue playing volleyball

I was a natural

Top server

It was a place I could release all my anger

And I just think what if I could have developed my skills on the court

Could have been a top athlete

But never could be more than you

My destiny was factory level at best

Many nights I go to bed listening to the fighting and arguing

Endless tears hit my pillow

Weekends meant not only going to bed to it but also waking up to the mindless talk

Slamming doors and drawers were common face

Noise, chaos, confusion

It's all I know

Somehow I needed to keep on my toes to decipher when it would be directed our way

Never at rest

Being at ease brought tension

Not knowing when the other shoe would fall

And it would

Always