Religion

Growing up religious talk was mostly centered around purgatory and hell. Heaven was out there, far away, a place that only special and privileged people could go.

I always thought I'd die, never to awake and just rot in the ground. For me that was a better option than the other two. As for Heaven, I knew there was no way someone like me could enter those gates.

Mom always said she'd pray for me while I was in purgatory - kinda felt she assumed that's where I'd go.

Brothers joked so much about hell and it being a place to party it up and meet up with friends and such.

Why am I bringing this all up today???

idk

It came up in a conversation...one in which I felt the other person pushing her beliefs upon me and the whole Jesus is the way. Like yeah for her maybe but its like try to see where I'm coming from dude.

For me growing up everything was about ranks. And we were always at or below the bottom line. As we were commonly referred to - the caboose of the train.

As an alter girl, on occasion we would be privileged enough to carry the cross but more commonly it was the candles. The cross was for those at the top. Holier than thou.

In the fam, like I said earlier we were the caboose. End of the line.

At school, the last picked for anything and everything.

So why should I believe this Jesus dude would want first anything to do with me and second to bring me to the front and best place overall.

Like I don't think so.

And honestly the whole family aspect scares the crap out of me. As I've stated in other posts, I've tried already to get in with a few other families and I failed. Huge disappointment. So why after all this time would, could I be accepted into a family.

Like it doesn't make sense.

And honestly, a part of me is beating myself up for clinging to hope. What am I thinking??? I feel screwed up for thinking it won't let me down once again. And honestly, could I take that...yet again...the failure of being let down...and god forbid the thought of just maybe, just maybe things would pan out this time - like what would I do with that kind of freedom?

Like I've never had nor experienced that before.

Kinda like what would I do if I ever learned to drive and got my hands on some wheels. Maniac behind the wheels that's for sure! I'd go wild and prob screw it up like everything else I've ever laid hands. Not to mention anything good that's ever come into my life gets stripped away so would it really matter if I got to hold onto, experience freedom for a little while???

And I thought depression was exhausting!

Uf-da!

To many questions...thoughts...pondering thoughts that is...what ifs...