Running Free

The pic of the horses at the top was intentional. I wanted one that showed the glorious freedom of running free in the wild outdoors. Cuz that's what I want...what I so desperately long for. To be free of the chains and all this crap that holds me back.

I don't want to be in captivity no more. Where the lock on the door determines your rights for the day.

When I first went to look for a pic, I honestly wanted only one horsey but this one captivated me. The thought of belonging in a group that accepted you just for being a horse is unimaginable...aka me being accepted just for being a human being. But I'm not.

I'm seen as garbage. Worthless. Scum.

 Below human status...a piece of meat...punching bag to throw mindless words at...

Ya know there came a point where I didn't want to live. Had a plan and everything. And you know what others found out and they told me good. That they didn't care if I died and they made it clear no one would come to my funeral.

I don't know why I backed out of the attempt...but just thinking perhaps it was cuz I didn't want to see that smirk on another's face from the pleasure I'd given them. Sickening sight to say the least.

So what is my purpose here? Why am I here? Sigh, I wish I knew.

I've always thought there's got to be more to life but that idea always gets lost in the weight of the depression I carry. I'm crazy to think I could ever be free of all this...of this life...And I've tried once to leave home but was brought back...failure!...and someone I thought cared and was going to provide the desperate freedom I longed for ended up stabbing me in the back...again failed at leaning on hope in my time of greatest need.

How many failures does it take before one can be a success?

Is it like Edison and a 1,000 steps? Cuz I believe I passed that qualification a long time ago...like everytime I think it can't get any worse; it does.

Is there any hope left for someone like me who is in darkest of pits in which trying to climb out from just brings in more and more dirt...feel like I'm going to be buried alive in the messed up life I live in.

So yeah, this is another piece of me...pretty messed up that I am...